Christmas is in ten days, and I am slowly inching towards being less Grinchy. After two weeks of emotional chaos to start the month, I think my mood has finally stabilized. More or less or at least somewhat. I am definitely more myself than I had been…just in time for an upcoming appointment with my family doctor to review the medication and make decisions about continuing or increasing the dosage. The low dose I am currently on hasn’t made any difference to the nerve pains in my legs, so maybe the dosage needs to increase. But do I want to go through the emotional upheaval that will come with an increase?
While my emotions may not be as volatile today as they were last week, I am still feeling all sorts of sad, depressing, and conflicting things inside. I keep plodding along, because there isn’t any other option. I can’t stay in bed all day, definitely couldn’t sleep that long if I tried. I can’t seem to figure out the gifts for Christmas, and I definitely dropped the Christmas cards this year. I barely cook, although that’s mostly due to working a lot of nights. I’m eating a lot of crap, hating it and hating feeling stuck in this rut. Life feels very big these days, while I feel incredibly small. And through it all, the nerve pains and tingling continue on.
Motivation and will-power flare up brightly and fade just as quickly. I am like a child trying to swim against a strong current.