Express Yourself

Admittedly I haven’t been blogging a whole lot lately, at least not much more than posts about my training sessions. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to blog. There have been days when I have felt the need or desire to blog but I didn’t. There are many reasons for the lack of blog posts, ranging from the “I have nothing to say” to the “I don’t know what I can say”. In a way, I feel sort of handcuffed in what I can say on my own blog, because someone has chosen to twist my words into something drastically different than what I have ever said or intended. While I obviously cannot control how people may interpret my words, I know my heart and my intent and I am at peace with both. Despite the peace I feel in this situation, I have been feeling reluctant to blog about much of anything beyond the basics of training. I know this is a season of sorts, and I will get past it to blog more candidly once again.

I have to admit that part of my reluctance to blog flows out of the knowledge that my blog could be read by those who choose to twist my words into something I never intended. Obviously, if you find something on the internet personally offensive to you, you have complete freedom to NOT continue to read it, right?! This is my blog. It is about me and my journey. This is my journey of self-discovery, of growing comfortable in my own skin, and knowing who I am. Sometimes my journey towards becoming Angela involves other people, because we do not go through life without being touched by others and in turn touching others. This is my journey. If you don’t like it…don’t read it. Plain and simple! I don’t blog for personal glory or recognition or followers. I have no expectation that anyone reads my blog and won’t be offended if nobody does.

And still, I hesitate. I open my WordPress site with the intention of blogging and then I hesitate. I think about who might read my blog, about who might take my innocent words and twist them into something ugly. So I pause until I have no more time to blog, or I simply blog about my training, all the while feeling censored.

Despite how I feel in regards to blogging, I am feeling perfectly fine. I am sleeping well. I am happy and at peace with myself. Although I have been hurt and rejected recently, I am doing very well. My husband and I were talking about that situation the other day, and he asked me if I had forgiven the offending party. I was kind of taken by surprise by his question, because I don’t even look at that turn of events as being worth my time or attention. Was I hurt? Yes. Am I holding onto any of that hurt or resentment? Heck no! While I do not agree in any way shape or form with the other point of view in this situation, I also don’t consider this to be worth holding onto. It’s difficult to explain how I feel without going into more detail in the situation, which is something I am not going to do. Suffice it to say that I am completely comfortable with who I am to know that I am not at fault in this situation, and as such my forgiveness is essentially automatic. Would I be comfortable bumping into this person in public unexpectedly? Probably not but that’s just me and my non-confrontational nature potentially pushed into an uncontrollable scenario! Am I losing sleep or stressed out over what has happened? Absolutely not! Like I said, I know who I am. I know my own heart and my intentions. I can put my head on my pillow each night knowing that I was true to myself, to my family, and to my friends. If someone sees that differently, then that is their problem and not mine.

I suppose this post is where I draw a line in the sand and say, “No more!” This is my blog. This blog is about me and my journey and what makes me who I am. If you have a problem with that, then feel free to stop visiting! If, on the other hand, my journey interests you, then please follow along. I cannot promise that my journey will always be cool or exciting, but I will always strive to be real and honest. I am no one of consequence or importance. I am merely Angela, a 45 year old woman, a wife of 25 years and mother of 3. I am a friend, a powerlifter, a barista, someone who is thankful for everything and entitled to nothing. Although my education is limited, I am a lover of words, and writing is how I express myself best. And this is my blog.

Still Angela

I had expected to go to the gym this morning. I had expected an easy and light training session, not only for today but the entire week, now that my competition is over. However, I was not expecting to be told to take the entire week off from training, and I did not react well at all. When I got the news, I was still reeling physically and emotionally from the competition, and I was exhausted from that long day and only 5 hours of sleep after it. That’s not an excuse for my poor reaction…it’s merely an indication of where I was at in the moment. I had been looking forward to the gym this week, because the gym has always been a happy, safe place for me and I knew that being there could help me process, debrief, and re-order my thoughts and emotions. I could agree that my body would benefit from the rest, but I couldn’t see how the rest would help my mind.

Thanks to hurting my back in competition and the beauty of the internet, yesterday I was able to make an appointment to see my chiropractor this afternoon. What would normally be a relatively short appointment wound up being more than double the length of time and probably half of it was just talking. Have I ever mentioned how much I love my chiropractor? I absolutely do! He is a wise, old soul with a lifetime of experience in a young man’s body, and he is someone I respect and admire and gladly call my friend. He listened to me, and I dare say he heard far more than I actually said. Then he spoke and spoke, while I listened. I choked back tears. I smiled, even laughed, I think. I countered. Agreed. Listened some more. After a great deal of talking, he took care of my back and my neck and gently sent me on my way.

Shortly after I had to drop my husband off for a physio appointment at the hospital, so I parked in a shady spot close to the beach and pulled out my “Owner’s Manual” and a pen. “Who am I?” I wrote at the top of a page. The words that followed flowed out of the conversation I had with my chiropractor. Don’t ask me to repeat what he said, because I am seldom any good at taking in information, watching it swirl around inside my head, and then spitting it back out exactly as it entered. Instead of going on about what Dr. Ben had to say, I am just going to share most of my own introspective ramblings.

Who am I?

I was reminded today by Dr. Ben that I am Angela Thompson first and foremost. Being a powerlifter/fitness type person is a part of who I am, but it is not ALL that I am. I know this. I believe it, and yet, it is a truth easily lost in the pursuit of passions and goals. Ben, as much as he understood what I was feeling, explained that I needed to not need the gym to identify myself. He’s right.

A great part of my transformation and journey is because of the gym, but the real source of my success has been me. I put in the hard work. I made the choices and sacrifices. I pulled out all sorts of amazing qualities from within myself. It’s not like I found determination tucked in the back of the closet. I didn’t gain self-control and discipline from an injection or a pill. No one could give me a positive attitude and mindset or the ability to focus on the end goal. These are qualities and traits that have always been inside of me. Other people have definitely been a factor in giving me direction and wisdom and shaping me, but only I am Angela.

I am a powerlifter because I love the sport and the passion and drive it stirs within me; however, who would I be if I could no longer do it? That’s the fundamental question I have been asking myself for years in varying forms. Who am I when I’m not with Kane? Who am I now that my kids are adults? Who was I in my previous job, and who am I in my new job? Who am I when a relationship sours and ends? Who was I when I had to stop running? When a competition doesn’t go the way I expected, am I still enough? The variations to the question are almost unending, but the essence is the same. I am and always will be Angela before I am anything else. Is that enough?

So who am I?

I am Angela Elizabeth Thompson. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a co-worker, a powerlifter, a stranger who writes a blog. I am a person of faith with a deeply personal relationship with Jesus Christ. All of this is true of me, yet I am still more.

I am loyal, caring, compassionate, quiet, sarcastic, geeky, organized, focused, determined, disciplined, strong, capable, confident, willing to try something new, flexible when necessary, a planner, usually prepared, easy-going, quick to laugh, prone to eye leakage, barefoot loving, a quasi-health nut, a thinker, a writer, a dreamer. This is also all true of me.

I love going to the gym. I love training and powerlifting. A few years ago I could never have believed this would be true about me. I will always want to be at my training sessions, but I am perfectly content to not be at the gym every day. I am not so controlled by training that I need to be there all the time. I know the value in rest days, but I do not like to miss my sessions. Once I got over my initial reservations about going to a gym, I have always viewed my training sessions as an appointment for myself in much the same way as I would an appointment to colour my hair. It is something I do for myself. Do I need to colour my hair? As much as the grey tells me that I do, the truth is that I do not need to colour my hair at all! In fact, I frequently go months between hair appointments. Vanity’s control over me is not so strong. Can I say the same about the gym? I want to, yet I don’t know. Last night and this morning, the prospect of not going to the gym for a week upset me greatly. I wonder if my reaction would have been so intense had I not already been in a state of emotional upheaval. I am far from perfect, but I like to believe that I am generally a level-headed kind of person. Having that little therapy session with Dr. Ben and then writing out my thoughts has found me feeling more calm, rational, and more at peace with not training this week.

I still would like to think that the gym doesn’t control me. I can give up yummy, unwholesome food and wine for weeks at a time for the sake of cutting weight  and reaching a goal. I’m a night owl who can be completely human and functional before the early birds even wake up for the sake of my job. I have learned how to rise above, to overcome, to see opportunity in the struggle…why should this be any different? I will make it through this week, because I am Angela. I am a strong, independent, white woman, and I will be allowed to train again next week! I will learn and grow. I will be stronger for it. Through it all, I am still Angela.

 

4 Days & Openers

Competition is in 4 days, and today was my first day back in my own gym with my coach. Today’s training was simple and essentially easy. I did squats, bench and deadlifts, working up to my potential openers…so not too heavy. It felt good to be in a familiar gym with familiar equipment with my coach who knows me so well. My back, though not 100% yet, has been feeling very good for the past few days. Like really good.

1a. squats-low bar, with sleeves

45 lbs x 6, 95 x 5

with belt: 135 x 3, 165 x 2, 185 x 1, 205 x 1

With the exception of the first rep at 165, my squats were all good. The only issue with that one rep was that I dropped a little too quickly which pitched me forward on my ascent, but the second rep was much better. It’s so nice to have my squat back! These past few months have seen me looking like a different squatter almost every training session. Up until a few weeks ago, I’ve not been able to hit proper depth, which was so not like me at all. Everything is feeling good with my squat now.

1b. bench press-with legs and full arch

43 lbs x ? I wasn’t really counting! 73 x 5, 93 x 3, 115 x 1, x 1, 120 x 0, 120 x 1

Today’s bench started out well. The first rep at 115 was a little slow for Michael’s liking, so he had me do another. I don’t know what happened that first attempt at 120, but it was turning into a grinder, so Michael grabbed the bar. I expected it even before he took it, knowing that he wouldn’t want a grinder at this point in the game. I don’t know what happened. Did I bring the bar down to the wrong spot on my chest? I don’t know. Was the bar heavy? I don’t think so. Was it all in my head? Most likely. Michael asked if I wanted to try again or drop down. He didn’t know what happened either, because I am capable of doing several reps at that weight. Of course, I wanted to try again, and it was much better.

2. deadlifts-conventional

95 lbs x 5, 145 x 3, 195 x 1

with belt: 215 x 1

The deadlifts were all good and easy today! Maybe my opener will be higher than 205 after all!

Safe Squats

Like most Wednesdays, I had a morning training session and then I went to work. At one point at work, I was connecting with a customer as I made his latte. He asked if I had done my powerlifting training already this morning, which took me by surprise. I don’t hide the fact that I am a powerlifter; however, aside from my barbell tattoo on my forearm, I don’t exactly go out of my way to advertise it. This customer didn’t look familiar, and I am generally very good at remembering faces…names, not always, but faces most of the time. There is always the possibility that I have chatted with this customer about powerlifting before, but the fact I don’t recall his face would mean that any such interaction would have taken place quite some time ago. I just find it all rather odd and amusing. It’s not as if I look like a powerlifter!

Today’s training session was not my typical upper body Wednesday type stuff…I got to do back squats…after sufficient warm-up.

1a. squats-low bar, squat shoes

45 lbs x 8, 95 x 7, 115 x 6

with belt: 135 x 4 + 1 paused

with belt, 3 second eccentric and 1 second pause:

135 x 5 x 5 sets

After not having done back squats for more than a month, I was super glad to get back at ’em. These squats were okay. The low back was basically fine…just a bit of a feeling of tightness at the bottom. My depth was high or questionable for many of my reps. At first we weren’t concerned with pushing for depth, but I wonder if I’m just subconsciously tentative. It’s quite likely actually. But today wasn’t about setting new PRs. It was about getting back under the bar, working on technique, and getting some reps.

1b. incline bench press-competition grip

43 lbs x 10, 63 x 8, 83 x 5, 83 x 5, 73 x 7

The first two sets were good, but the two sets at 83 pounds felt a bit heavy. The first set was probably harder than the second but not by much.

2a. chest-supported kettlebell rows

12kg each hand x 15, 12kg x 15, 16kg x 15

These were easier than I expected. Michael demonstrated with 16kg kettlebells, and I was relieved when he gave me 12’s to start, thinking the 16’s would be too heavy. Isn’t it funny how we (or is it just me?) can doubt our ability despite previous successes! I should have gone up to the 16’s on the second set…

2b. push ups

x 8, x 6

Just realized that I never did my final set of these! Oops.

And then, my coach and I talked a bit about my targets for Provincials in June. My competition best results are: squat 253 pounds, bench 132 pounds, and deadlift 308 pounds. What am I hoping to accomplish at Provincials? While I have a bunch of goals I want to reach at any given time, for Provincials I don’t have anything more specific than bettering my last results and breaking my own Provincial records. We settled on a conservative 5% increase, which would give me numbers that I think are just a tad scary but doable. And exciting!

Distortion

Body image is a troublesome, fickle beast. Is it ever completely satisfied? Just when I believe that I am comfortable with who I am and all of the lumps and flaws that are part of the package, I stumble into moments of uncertainty and insecurity. It would be quite easy to keep those moments private, locked away inside where nobody else can see my frailty, but that wouldn’t be helpful to anyone, not even me.

My weight is currently hovering at 160 pounds or just under, and I am okay with that. The numbers on the scale no longer have any importance to me, except for the purpose of fitting into a weight class for a competition. In fact, I have stepped on the scale only 2 or 3 times since my last competition in August. Obviously I don’t want to inflate like the Goodyear blimp, but I also don’t need to stress out over how much I weigh. It is of much greater importance that I eat well and eat enough to fuel my training. I know this. I believe this. I am comfortably content with this.

And yet I have moments when I feel lumpy and odd and overweight. Those moments come less often now, but I am still blindsided by the way they sneak up on me and cloud my thoughts and attitude. I think that is the most dangerous part of it all…the insidious nature of a beast intent on destruction of self-confidence. As much as I am comfortable with my current weight, I have had frequent moments of negative self-talk recently in which I tell myself that I am fat and lumpy.

It isn’t very often that I take video of my training, because it really isn’t necessary as my coach is always there to ensure that my form is good. However, from time to time, we will film a lift or a set, because it is a potential PR rep or so I can actually see my form for myself. My chiropractor asked me about video of my overhead squats, so my coach filmed two sets of my overhead squats last week. Later that night I showed my husband the videos. He was impressed by my actions, but I was amazed by how slender I looked. My husband’s response to my verbal amazement was to gush enthusiastically about my leanness, the muscularity in my shoulders, my physical and inner strength, and on and on. Basically, he doesn’t look at me the same way I sometimes look at myself. And I guess that is the point.

The image that I see reflected in the mirror or in my mind’s eye is distorted more often than not. That distortion is the result of years of negative self-talk and trying to fit into society’s mould of what a woman should look like. I suspect that I will always have this struggle, although I am confident that the struggle will not always drag me down or knock me about like a rag doll. I might get shaken up a bit, but I am stronger in knowing, really knowing, who I am, holding tight to that knowledge and shaking off the oppressive doubts.

If you want to see one of my overhead squat videos, you can see it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSBkP6aXU0k

 

 

Wonder Woman

Heading into my sixth powerlifting competition, I do believe that today was the very first time I have been allowed to “train” on the Friday prior to competing! I am not even joking. Actually this entire week has been a little different than the pre-competition norm, but I think it has been okay. Today wasn’t really a training session. Can you call it a training session when you don’t even break a sweat? Really it was all about going through the motions, not a lot of reps and not much weight…just practicing technique.

1. squats-low bar, without sleeves

45 x 8, 95 x 5, 125 x 5, 155 x 3

with belt: 170 x 1, 170 x 1

2. bench press, wide grip

45 x 8, 65 x 5, 85 x 5, 95 x 2, 105 x 2, 105 x 2

band pull aparts with red x 15

face pulls 20 lbs x 15, x 15, x 15

band pull aparts with orange x 15

3. deadlifts

115 x 5, 145 x 2 + 1

Now all that is left is the heavy lifting on Sunday! Compared to how I was feeling prior to Wednesday’s training session, I am feeling much better. Maybe I’m still not 100% there for this competition, but genuine excitement is definitely building and I am feeling more focused and determined. Of course, this morning I realized that I hadn’t even begun my typical “to do” lists prior to any competition or road trip. I hadn’t scanned maps to the hotel or the venue. I hadn’t given any thought to snacks, although that isn’t usually that big of a deal for me. No matter how much my coach tells me to eat during a competition, I seldom eat much of anything. But I did pick up some snacks to bring along. The big question is how many of them will I actually eat on Sunday?

My state of mind was also improved by time spent with some precious friends this afternoon. There is just something quite special about being embraced, both literally and figuratively, by people who know and get you, who love and accept you, and allow you the privilege of returning the love. I love this family as if they were my own. My kids like to tease me that my favourite children belong to this family. I trust that my kids know just how deeply I love them, but yes, I do love these little girls. Time spent with them is time well spent; it brings joy to my soul. This wonderful family blessed me with a special gift today, and I love it absolutely!

wonderwomanbag

It is a handmade bag with Wonder Woman inside and out! Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am a big Wonder Woman fan, so there can be no doubt as to how much I love this bag! To be honest, I’m amazed that I was able to open this gift without shedding a single tear, but I think it helped that my dear friend started crying before I had even begun opening the package! Noticing her tears brought laughter to my heart, but now that I am home, remembering the moment and storing these treasures in my heart, I just might be crying. I’m allowed.

And now I feel like I might be ready for Provincials. I transferred the necessities from my gym bag to my new Wonder Woman bag. It’s a bit of a tight fit, but I made it work. If I can pick 300 pounds up off the floor, then I think I can fit 2 pairs of shoes, a belt, a singlet, and some socks into a bag! This bag is coming to Provincials with me, and it is going to be very well used and loved.

I haven’t decided yet whether or not I am going to bring my laptop with me tomorrow. We’re heading to Surrey tomorrow and competition, for me, is on Sunday. We’re only staying the Saturday night and heading back after I compete, which means Sunday could be a very long day. I might bring it with me…will give me something to do in the hotel Saturday night, but I probably won’t post a competition update until Monday.