These are interesting days, and I’m sure my mind is working overtime trying to make sense of the snarl of thought threads spinning inside my head. This post is likely going to be nothing more than a mind dump.
Good news is that the stiffness and achiness in the low back has settled down from yesterday’s injection, as I figured it would. While it is still too early to discern the effectiveness of the injection, I have not noticed a difference in my pains yet. It’s only been one day though.
This morning’s training session was not what I was expecting or hoping for. I was supposed to do one bench rep at 135 pounds, which would have been a PR of sorts. I haven’t benched that much weight since herniating my disc, and I’ve never benched that weight using a close grip or without an arch in my back and feet on the ground. Last week, I benched two singles at 130 pounds, so I went into this morning’s session knowing that a five pound increase was within my capabilities. But I failed. I walked around and tried to psych myself up for one more attempt. I failed again.
As much as I have enough experience to know that every training session is not going to be strong and glorious, these two failures were disheartening and frustrating. As I was going through my warm up sets, I could tell the goal was going to be tough to achieve. The same weights I had done with ease last week felt heavy and slow. My last two warm up singles at 115 and 125 pounds were both slow and almost grindy. I’m pretty sure that the 125 pounds was slower than last week’s 130. My husband came with me this morning, because I wanted a spotter and that alone was probably an indicator that I wasn’t feeling up to the task. Right before I set up for my first attempt, I instructed my husband to be aware that the bar might move slowly, because I expected it to be grindy. The weight felt reasonable as I slowly brought the bar to my chest, but there was nothing there when I went to push it back up. He told me to walk it off and try again. The end result was the same. Over the past year, I have learned how to grind through a tough bench rep, but I couldn’t even press the bar high enough to be able to grind through it.
My thoughts and emotions are playing tug-of- war over this failure. It has been a very long time since I have failed anything at the gym so significantly. Sure, I’ve had to drop reps or weights or sets because of my injury and the ongoing symptoms associated with it, but that isn’t quite the same as attempting a heavy weight on a main lift and falling short. Every athlete experiences failure, loss, and difficult training sessions; it is a fact of life and part of the journey. I understand it. I accept it. It still sucks to fail, especially when you know that you are completely capable. However, I cannot get sucked into dwelling on the failure for too long. It happened, and there are likely many reasons why: fatigue and the extremely smoky skies and poor air quality being big ones. The fact it happened doesn’t take away from the progress I have made, nor does it indicate an inability to progress further.
While still feeling disheartened with my failure, my husband and I walked around the Farmers Market, picking up fresh local produce and kombucha. I chatted briefly with a fellow powerlifter there and found my perspective changing through our conversation. It wasn’t earth-shattering conversation, but it revolved around competing, taking time to heal or build up, and being determined. Volunteering at last week’s powerlifting competition really stirred up my desire to get back on the platform, but I am committed to taking the time I need to heal and build up before stepping on a platform again. And perhaps that is a factor in my disappointment over today’s bench misses! While I still have pain, tingling, and numbness in my legs, my ability to move and function has improved significantly over the past couple of months and that has me feeling hopeful and excited. My chiropractor’s excitement over my progress and allowing me to re-introduce some exercises into my training also has me feeling excited and hopeful. It’s like I can see light at the end of the tunnel now, even if I still do not have a timeline for healing. So, I think I should be getting stronger. I feel like I should be more capable. I think I am becoming unstoppable. Then I miss a heavy bench rep and momentarily doubt myself.
Sometimes you attempt to lift a weight that you really have no business trying to lift. Well, I don’t think I ever do that, because I have a good coach and listen to what he tells me to do. However, there are ego lifters out there who think they need to ‘go big’ regardless of their capabilities. That is not what happened to me this morning. Bench pressing 135 pounds may not be something I do often, but I have done it a few times over the past two years. I know it is within my ability to achieve. Today was just an off day, and I was reminded of just how insidious the smoke blanketing our province is. Since I work indoors and have limited my time outdoors lately, I didn’t think that I was being affected by the smoke, but maybe I am wrong in that assumption. Maybe that has contributed to the fatigue I have been feeling this week, and that fatigue could very well have sapped my strength today. I haven’t lost my strength, and my physical progress hasn’t gone backwards. That’s good news!