Grief Revealed

The days leading up to a competition are always filled with a wide array of emotions. In the blink of an eye, I can cycle from excitement to fear to being choked up by threatening tears to calm to happy to peaceful to nervous and back to teary. Today has been an essentially good day, but it has also seen me on the brink of tears all day long.

In essence, my day started before I was even awake. I had a couple of bad dreams. First, I dreamed that Provincials were taking place and my coach was there waiting for me, except that I was stuck at work, an hour away from where Provincials were being held. Lifting began at 3:00PM. At 6:30PM, I was finally able to leave work and texted my coach to ask if I was too late. Pretty much was his response, and I was devastated. The dream was bad enough to wake me up at 3:30 this morning. I fell back asleep and bad dream #2 began.

This time I dreamed that I woke up and walked to the bathroom which had no roof. The sky was cloudless and bright. My youngest son was there. He told me it was 10:00AM. I freaked out, because I was supposed to be at work at 5:30AM! I went to look at my alarm clock and “woke up” to see that it was actually only 3:30AM. This wasn’t an actual wake up but rather a dream within a dream. Is it any wonder that I was confused when my alarm actually did go off at 4:50 this morning!

Still, I had a good work day, even though it was tinged with sadness. Yesterday we learned that our boss is being transferred to another store, and this is her final week with us. I had my emotions in check until my boss arrived this morning and another co-worker hugged her with tears in her eyes. Another co-worker popped in later and repeated the scenario. It took a ton of effort to prevent tears from pouring out of my own eyes, but I’m sure I won’t be able to prevent them completely over the next week or so.

Then, while on one of my breaks this morning, I saw an old, far-off friend’s Facebook post alluding to the loss of a friend. Not a lot of information was shared, but the two details shared were enough for me to suspect that I knew the woman. Personal messaging later and my suspicion was confirmed. The woman was a former classmate of mine from my junior and senior high school days, and we were connected on Facebook. Although we were never close friends and I moved away many years ago, she was someone I knew, someone with shared moments in history. The vague nature of our relationship doesn’t diminish the sorrow I feel over her sudden passing. She was my age. She had children close in age to my own. If I still lived in that city I have a feeling that we would have become real friends. Even back in the day, she was a lovely person.

Grief is a cruelly funny thing. Not in a ‘ha ha’ kind of way. There is just no rhyme or reason for when and how grief strikes or how one deals with it. Being someone who feels deeply makes things even more challenging. The real pain and loss is not mine, yet I feel it as if I share in it.


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