Inner Turmoil

“Sometimes I can feel my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.” ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

“If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you’ll never get it done.” ~ Bruce Lee

“She had a very inconvenient heart. It always insisted on feeling things ever so deeply.” ~ John Mark Green

“When I am silent, I have thunder hidden inside.” ~ Rumi

I’m sure I am not the only person with a mind cluttered with thoughts, but sometimes it feels as if I stagger through life, alone with the weight of the world on my back, or inside my head.

I am a thinker more than a talker. I can listen well, but I’m not always very good at getting my thoughts out of my mouth. Give me time and a writing implement, then you are more likely to get a thoughtful response. Ask me to give an opinion or statement without prior warning and I will stammer like an idiot while internally chastising myself for my failure to be eloquent. The gift of gab I do not have.

It’s truly a good thing that people cannot read minds. I’m sure the landscape inside my head is a mad combination of a haunted carnival fun house, science-fiction, hopes, fears, goals, daydreams and nightmares…all suspended in the plasma of every day life stressors.

Some thoughts swirl around in the background, benign and easily ignored, but others flash like lightning, searing and forcibly grabbing my attention. Like last night when I was trying to fall asleep, my mind would not shut off…thinking about Provincials and my son’s university graduation. I try to shut my brain off when I go to bed, but that doesn’t always work out so well. Last night was one of those not so successful nights, but I have a feeling that tonight will be better.

I think I often look like someone who has her act together or someone who isn’t weighed down by much. It’s a good act, don’t you think! The truth is that the weight of the world is on my shoulders all day, every day…I just don’t always show it. Because that’s what I do. I keep it all locked up inside, stewing and fretting without revealing too much. To be perfectly honest, there are very few people who I would ever let see the tempest that is inside my head. Even here on my blog, I don’t reveal all that is within. It’s too sacred, too personal, and it would expose me, making me vulnerable.

The heaviness inside my head often ebbs and flows like seasons, and I feel as if I have headed into a season of inner turmoil. Between the ongoing back issues, upcoming Provincials, my son’s graduation, my husband’s hip surgery…well, there’s a lot going on emotionally. Is it any wonder that my head is full of thoughts of varying weight?

I can’t promise that the next 3+ weeks won’t be a jumbled mess of thought and emotion, because most likely they will be. They should be entertaining though.


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