Talking It Out

Oh dear. It is almost 8:00pm, and I’m only now finally home for the first time since 7:30 this morning. I need to prep some food for tomorrow’s work day. I need to blog, and I fear that a multitude of thoughts are swirling inside of my head, disjointed but unrelenting. With tomorrow being an open shift, I’d ideally like to be in bed no later than 9pm, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. C’est la vie!

After work, I went to the gym. After the gym, I stopped at the grocery store for some necessary items. After the store, I went out for dinner with my husband, to Red Robin, where I enjoyed a greasy burger wrapped in lettuce and some fries, even though I really should have chosen salad for my side. After we were finished eating, the waitress brought me an ice cream sundae, because I had made some comment that gave her the impression that I’d had a crappy day. How could I pass up free ice cream?! I ate it, even as I fought to hold back tears. My day wasn’t all that bad, but the past two months of back issues have been tough both physically and emotionally. Although I am more honest in my blog, my general tendency is to keep the majority of my thoughts and feelings locked up inside, being highly selective about what I share and who I share it with. For good or bad, that’s my nature. So, I ate the ice cream, choking back tears, but I definitely didn’t feel any better for eating it. I actually felt rather gross.

As I lay in bed last night trying to fall asleep, I thought about asking my coach for his honest thoughts about my back, training and competing. I knew I wanted to ask for his thoughts, but I wasn’t sure how to put the question into words. I’d barely finished my warm up at the gym, when Michael began asking me questions about what I was feeling and thinking! I swear that man can read my mind sometimes! We talked. I tried to explain what I’m feeling in my back, but that isn’t always an easy thing to do…it varies and sometimes significantly. I do still want to compete. I plan on competing. I am still hopeful that the back will heal up soon. I would love to break my records at Provincials; however, I also have to acknowledge the fact that I don’t want to do more harm to my body and might need to lower my hopes and expectations when it comes to Provincials. It’s hard to say what that might look like, because I can’t predict what will be going on with my back two months from now. Maybe I can challenge my squat and bench records. Maybe the back will feel great and I can push the deadlift a little. Or perhaps I might need to do a token deadlift at an easy weight just to put up a total. While I don’t like the idea of not giving my best effort, I do understand that it might be necessary. And although I have been entertaining those thoughts for at least a few weeks now, today was the first time I’ve given them voice to anyone. As much as I want to be okay with this (and I basically think I am okay with it), I also can’t help but feel somewhat frustrated, disappointed, and mopey.

1a. trap bar deadlifts

75 lbs x 8 with low handles + 8 with high handles

125 lbs x 6 low handles, 145 x 3 low + 7 high

We thought we’d try trap bar deadlifts, that they might not bother my back as much as regular deadlifts. And they were mostly okay but not okay enough. No more of those. Switch to front squats.

front squats-flat shoes

95 lbs x 6, 125 x 5, 135 x 5

1b. flat dumbbell presses-feet on bench

25 lbs x 19, 34 x 8, 44 x 8PR, 44 x 7

1c. chin ups-small green band, neutral grip

4 sets of 6

2a. Bulgarian split squats-54 lb vest x 10 each leg

2b. seated cable rows

90 lbs x 10?, 90 x 6? + 70 x 6?

Sitting is usually a painful thing for me right now, so I had to position my body angle in such a way as to minimize the discomfort on my back.

And now I remembered that I still have to do my foam rolling. It’s almost 9pm now…sigh.



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