This Is Us

“My soul should always look back and wonder at the mountains I had climbed and the rivers I had forged and the challenges which still await down the road. I am strengthened by that knowledge.” ~Maya Angelou

Sometimes I forget just how far I have come. Some days I can see the path of my progress quite clearly, and I am strengthened by that knowledge. But every day is not clear. I am not perfect. I get so focused on the future and what I want to accomplish, that I sometimes forget the delicate dance of progress, one step forward and two steps back. Bumps in the road, no matter how small they may actually be, can feel like mountains impossible to climb. How quickly one forgets!

I have said that pain messes with our heads. It’s true! The pain in my foot last week caused a tonne of consternation, but this current back pain is throwing me for a twist and a double loop. Although I suppose I could honestly say that today has been better than yesterday, the pain and discomfort has still been enough to mess with my head and fill me with doubts. The pain of bending over to lift the rack from the dishwasher at work was enough to make me question my ability to deadlift ever again. Tomorrow is a training day, and I honestly don’t know how my body is going to feel. I do know that I won’t be happy about any adaptations to my training in order to appease the back pain. I don’t like backing off unless it is required as part of a pre-competition deload, so I know that my attitude is teetering on the edge right now.

As I am typing I am watching the third episode of This Is Us. I am bawling big tears with every scene with even the least amount of emotional pull. My daughter laughs every time my face scrunches up with tears. My coach made me laugh several times tonight with texts of teasing encouragement and optimism. I need it, all of it, more than I could ever admit out loud.

I have come so far, climbed mountains and forged rivers to become the person I am today. Sometimes I forget that. Like today. Like when I am in pain or things don’t quite go as planned or expected. Up and down. A cycle never-ending. This is life. This is me.

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