I was scrolling through my Instagram feed just a few minutes ago, when I saw a meme that made me pause long enough that tears threatened to spill if I stared at it much longer. The image simply posed the question, “What do you like about you?”
I wish that I could honestly say that my first thoughts were positive and plentiful, but that’s not what happened. Despite tremendous growth in my self-confidence and self-esteem over the past few years, today, in this moment, my first response to that question was that there is little that I like about myself.
Thankfully I stopped that thought before it could become a runaway train. And yet, the heaviness of insecurity can still be felt on my shoulders. Not heavy. Just a light touch, an almost comfortable and familiar presence. This is a battle that I am never going to be finished fighting, and this is why my theme for 2017 is Powerfully Beautiful.
It’s easy to feel strong and confident when I see gains in the gym, like more weights or more reps, but I haven’t trained for a week, and there is still a weekend to get through before training resumes. My self-worth and identity are not stuck in the gym. My strength won’t evaporate from a period of rest.
My smile is a mile wide with every compliment about how strong my shoulders look; however, when my hairdresser said I was beautiful, I scoffed. I still scoff. Will always scoff. I am not, and I cannot accept such a compliment as factual or given for any reason other than politeness. While I can wholeheartedly state that looks are not the most important part of a person, deep within me is a girl who doesn’t like the image reflected in the mirror.
I have a feeling that 2017 is going to be an interesting year. If I’m serious about my theme, which I always am, then I am going to need to dig deep, expose myself more than I am naturally inclined to, and continue to take steps outside of my comfort zone. That’s not necessarily a bad thing though, because the results will be amazing.