A Bear in Winter

I have been considering this post all day, and I’m still no closer to knowing what to say or where exactly I want to go with it. As an introvert, keeping my thoughts and feelings bottled up is not only preferable, it is the norm. Ironically, as a blogger, I share more of my thoughts and feelings with the world than I ever would in verbal conversation with anyone outside of a very small circle of friends. and yet, there will always be a line that I am reluctant to cross even in my blog. Some thoughts, some feelings are just too intense, too personal, too dark to share.

Part of the problem is that I don’t like to appear weak, incompetent or incapable of anything, and so I’d rather just adjust my mask and pretend that everything is A-Okay in my world. Even when it’s not.

That sounds doom and gloomish, doesn’t it! Things aren’t quite so bad as that really, but my mood is most definitely low these past few days. I’m fine and then I’m not. I’m happy and then I want to cry. I want to sleep for days on end, but I’m not sleeping well. Either I am not hungry at all or I am stuffing my face with all sorts of garbage. Grumpy. Moody. White noise headaches. I hate the thought that I am slipping into depression, and I am scrabbling at the slippery slopes trying to fight my way back to the surface.

I will be okay, I know. This, whatever it is, is mild. It is a bump on the road. A storm cloud in the sky. While there are likely several factors causing this low mood, I believe that there is some relief in sight. Some stressors have recently been removed or reduced, and I have been talking with my coach about needing a physical challenge. There is more to the low mood than that, of course, but I know that I will be fine. It just really sucks to be feeling the way I feel and to be so sluggish and unmotivated when at home. At work or at the gym…I’m fine. I will be fine, but, in the meantime, I just want to hibernate like a bear for the winter.

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