Sweetly Broken

The good sleep I was looking for last night never quite materialized, and, although I am still definitely sore, it isn’t nearly as bad as I had thought it might be at this point in the day. My coach said last night that I might not like him today because of how sore I might be, but he’s still one of my favourite people. šŸ˜‰

Having been off work for the past six days, I was looking forward to working today, yet there was also kind of a disconnected feeling that didn’t really disappear until more than halfway through my shift. Then again, the past few days haven’t exactly felt normal either. I have been so focused and driven for the past few months, and all ofĀ that energy, physical and mental, combined on Saturday into the perfect storm. It wasn’t really a storm, but I can’t quite think of a better way to put it. The competition was amazing, but at some point you just need to decompress and process and feel.

For months, I have been listening to the same narrow selection of songs, specifically chosen for the way that they inspired and motivated me. On Sunday, I listened to no music at all. There was no music for most of Monday either, and, when I finally did turn some music on, I stayed away from my power songs and enjoyed singing along with ABBA. I didn’t listen to music while doing paperwork in the office at work today. Sometimes I like the silence.

When I got home from work, I changed clothes and put on my running shoes to go for a walk. I hadn’t been for a walk since last Wednesday. I put in my earbuds and paused to consider which playlist to listen to as I walked. My instinct when walking (or running back in my running days) is to listen to upbeat, inspiring songs, but I couldn’t do it today. Instead I chose to listen to worship music.

You know, I thought that I was just going for a walk, that I was simply moving my body andĀ helping my muscles recover, but it turned out to be so much more than that. Before I knew what had happened, I was assailed by chest-heaving sobs. The emotion of the competition was finally hitting me, and it left me swiping at tears as I walked. Decompression. It probably didn’t help, or perhaps it did, that I watched a compilation video that my coach put together and I saw a picture of a tattoo that is almost exactly what I had been imaging for months (more about that in another blog post down the road).

I am proud of what I did at the competition on Saturday. My squat and my bench were not personal bests, but they were still better than my previous bests with this same powerlifting federation, including a new National squat record. The unsuccessful World record attempt doesn’t phase me at all, not one bit! I was close and I had a decent shot, and I couldn’t ask for anything more than that. Lifting more than twice your bodyweight is no small feat, and I did it! I still have a video clip of me lifting 215 pounds for the first time nearly 2 years ago, and I remember how heavy and tough that felt. One that day, I would never have imagined adding almost another 100 pounds to the bar and being able to lift it! I did that on Saturday. Me! If I’m not careful I am going to slip into that future blog post…

It was an emotional walk. While I may not have expected it to be like that, I am glad for how it turned out. All that was tightly compressed inside of me has begun to expand and release. It felt like I was living in a fog for the past two and a half days, but now the skies are clearing. I haven’t had much of an appetite since Friday night’s post-weigh-in feeding frenzy, but I enjoyed loading up my dinner plate tonight and eating until I was sated. It was nice to not need to measure out my food! Likewise, I have not stepped on the scale since Saturday morning, and I doubt that I will do so all week. The scale doesn’t scare me, and I generally don’t obsess over my weight; I only focus on the numbers on the scale when necessary for a competition. I won’t need to cut weight for my next two competitions, but I have also decided that I am okay with moving up a weight class the next time I compete in the same federation I just competed in. (There is a slight difference in weight classes between the two federations I compete in which is part of the reason why I cut weight this time.) I am feeling relaxed, happy, and proud, but also motivated and ready to re-focus.

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