The Brain Drain

Today three different people asked me how long it is until my competition. By this time five weeks from now, I will either be celebrating or dealing with disappointment. I am planning on the celebration. How will I celebrate? I don’t know, but I sure hope that it involves food and wine.

I’ve had a long day. Work was good, but it was a little crazy for the first few hours this morning and I, being who I am, was here, there and everywhere, doing everything all at the same time. It’s a bit chaotic and crazy, but it tends to be just the sort of situation that brings out the best of me. The down side to that kind of a morning is that I am wiped out by mid-afternoon. So, as I type it is nearly 8:00 PM and I am sprawled on the living room floor, eyes burning and droopy. I am waiting for the tension to leave my body, but I know that won’t happen until I finally sink into my bed…soon.

Because I am tired and drained, I am a little moody. I am missing food tonight. Or perhaps I should say that I am missing food that is delicious, even if it isn’t necessarily the most nutritious. I am on the verge of ‘gagging on my oatmeal’, which basically means that I am weary of the repetition in my diet, the boringness of it, the extreme lack of treats and sweets and guilty pleasures. I miss poutine and movie popcorn (one reason why I haven’t yet seen the new Batman vs. Superman movie!) I miss the occasional iced or hot latte. I miss birthday cake timbits, Nutella pastry pockets, donuts, cookies, gelato, chocolate. I miss potato chips and pizza. I really miss a good sandwich. I’d give almost anything for a juicy burger…even a hot dog. Although I don’t eat pasta very often anyway, now that I can’t have pasta I miss it all the more. I miss wine.

I miss all of those things. A lot. However, the degree to which I miss them is not indicative of how frequently I ate those things prior to cutting them out of my diet in preparation for this competition. While I would enjoy some of those things on occasion, I did eat fairly well most of the time.

It is just moments like this, when I am completely exhausted inside and out, that I find my confidence is most shaken. Shaken may be too strong of a word, because I am in no danger of succumbing to temptation or going off the deep end. As I was walking this afternoon, I had the momentary thought…what if I can’t lose the weight? The thought lasted only a moment before I pushed it away, knowing that I am doing all the right things, will continue to do all the right things, and will do what needs to be done in order to get where I need to be. It’s the mental drain of days like today that has the most potential to inflict harm; however, just as I rise to the challenge of the day, I am learning that I can also rise above the tests placed on my mental strength.

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