Not Quite Panic

I am not in panic mode yet, although I feel much closer to the edge of that abyss today than I did at the beginning of the week. On Tuesday morning, my weight jumped 2 pounds from the day before. There are always slight variations in my weight from day to day. I understand that, accept it and don’t panic over them; however, my weight had stayed relatively level around 156 pounds since before Christmas. Even Tuesday’s jump to 158.4 pounds wasn’t much of a shock. Well, I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t even raise an eyebrow because I probably did, but I shrugged it off, thinking that the scale would drop again the next day because that’s the way it seems to go.

But the scale only dropped by .2!

I am sure that my eyebrow raised in consternation again for a moment before remembering that this is not bad news and all is okay with the world.

On Thursday, the scale was steady at 158.2 pounds. No change. Okay. No eyebrow raise this time, even though three consecutive days at the same weight is fairly rare. No panic either, although my subconscious was quite aware that I was teetering on the upper edge of my CPU weight-class and 10 pounds over my RAW weight-class. I wasn’t worried. Michael has repeatedly told me that I will have no problem dropping the weight when I need to, and I trust my coach!

Yesterday I was up to 158.6 pounds.

This morning, I am pretty sure that both eyebrows hit the ceiling when I read the scale at 159.6 pounds. In a way, I am kind of glad that today is a Saturday, because that means I was up early, at work early, and far too mentally preoccupied to waste any time thinking about that scale, or more accurately, about my weight. Until now.

Gosh darn it if weight isn’t such a funny, messed up beast! On the one hand, that number on the scale really, truly doesn’t bother me the way that it did a couple of years ago. I know that I am still in great shape. I’m still fitting into my “skinny” clothes, not that I really call them “skinny” clothes…I’ve just cleared almost all of my larger-sized clothing out of my closet and drawers a long time ago! So, if my clothes were to suddenly not fit anymore, I would definitely feel some anxiety about gaining weight! I cannot claim to understand all the science, but I know that it is really quite difficult to build muscle and gain strength when you are losing weight. I am trusting my coach! I know there is purpose in gaining a bit of weight. I know I am not overweight. I know that the number on the scale is just a number. I know it.

But, the other side of my brain controls those darn eyebrows! I think this is the more cautious side of my brain, the part that is like the helicopter parents trying to secure their child in bubble wrap. This part of my brain, as subdued and quiet as it is in this moment, is perilously close to pulling the fire alarm and going into panic-mode. It sees the scale tipping beyond my weight-class and wants to panic. My image reflected in glass causes this part of my brain to narrow it’s gaze in search of bulges in all the wrong places. This part of the brain sends nasty messages when I am eating, especially now that my eating habits are beginning to look like those of a powerlifter. This voice is much quieter than it used to be, but that doesn’t mean I cannot hear it.

You know, I think the time between having finished my dinner and going to bed is my mental danger zone. Having eaten dinner, I am comfortably full and perhaps a little too comfortably full! It’s been a long day already, and I am tired, mentally more than physically. My body is sweetly sore in a multitude of places from a week of training after a bit of a break over the holidays. Mentally, aside from being mostly brain-dead at the moment, I feel like I am in a good place; however, the weight thing…it is a thing. It is something that sneaks up on me, sucker punches me once in a while, and then skips merrily on it’s way. I don’t need to panic. At least not until I hit 160 pounds! 😉


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