Full Woman, Fleshy Apple, Hot Moon

Many moons ago, I worried about the numbers on the scale in my bathroom. I knew that I was overweight and out of shape. I wanted to make changes, but those numbers seldom moved in the direction that I desired. I felt so frustrated and defeated.

My attitude towards the scale eventually changed, even before I began training with Michael at Progressive Fitness. I came to accept that my sense of worth wasn’t tied to the numbers on the scale, but I still was desperate for change.

Michael helped me get the results that I wanted, and I lost 30 pounds and many inches. While my initial motivation was to lose weight and get into shape, I discovered so much more in the process of training. I gained self-confidence. I became an athlete, even though I still have difficulty seeing myself that way, and becoming an athlete has changed the way that I look at the scale, at food, and at my body once again.

I step on the scale almost every morning, not because I am worried about what my weight may be, but rather just to know. I am a detail kind of person. I may not enjoy math, but I definitely enjoy facts and stats and lists and details. I understand that my weight will fluctuate during the day and from day-to-day. I know that I will be heavier later in the day than I am first thing in the morning. It doesn’t really matter, because I’m not eyeing the scale looking for a change in the negative direction. Right now actually, Michael would love for me to gain a bit of weight for the sake of gaining muscle and strength. How can I argue with that kind of logic?

A year or so ago, I probably would have balked if someone, anyone, had told me to gain weight for any reason! I had been so desperate to lose weight for so long, that the thought of reversing all the hard work I had done would have seemed foolish. Now I understand that my body composition is not the same as it used to be, even if I do gain a few pounds. After all, I am still wearing the same clothes that I was wearing a year ago when I was almost 10 pounds lighter.

Since I weigh myself every day and I know how much fluctuation there can be, I seldom get too worked up about changes in my weight from day-to-day. I might be a pound or two lighter or heavier from one day to the next…no big deal. For two days now, I have weighed in at 155 pounds, which is the heaviest I have been for a long time, since before March 2014, but I am not alarmed. Not yet. Although I wouldn’t be surprised to see my weight drop a pound or two in the next few days. Gaining a few pounds is incredibly difficult for me these days! I need to eat a lot just to maintain, so I don’t truly trust a little jump unless it sticks around for more than a few days.

(Full Woman, Fleshy Apple, Hot Moon by Pablo Neruda)

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