The Road Behind

Since today was a short work day for me, I took some time this afternoon to sit on my newly cleaned deck and actually write in my paper journal. It had been more than a month since the last time I had written in that book, so I caught myself up on the past 10 days, because it seems like so much has happened in that short period of time. Once I finished, I did a quick skim through earlier entries which go all the way back to June 2011. What I quickly realized is that I have indeed travelled a long way over the past several years, and so I thought that I might pick out a few quotes to illustrate my journey further.

August 31, 2011 “but there were no real obstacles or pitfalls to my day. Only me! And isn’t that often the biggest challenge of all! Today has been a depressing, oppressive day, and I cannot pinpoint a cause. Is depression rearing its’ ugly head? Am I mentally, emotionally, physically burned out? Is there a health issue at play? Maybe I’m just under spiritual attack. Or all of the above…I’ve been slogging my way through it, especially these past several months. Going through motions. Frustrated by speed bumps and potholes and shin splints. Settling for mediocre or subpar simply because it requires less effort. I’ve not only been slogging; I’ve been wallowing. Lazy. Selfish. Unfocused. Undisciplined. Weak. That’s me.”

October 22, 2011 “I had to choke back the pity party as I waited at the last store of the afternoon. My feet and back were killing me. I was hungry and very tired. I was discouraged, frustrated, feeling fat and ugly, and I was spending more time alone than actually with my friends…I want to look good, and that brings tears to my eyes even now, because I don’t look good in anything I try on. I just want to look nice instead of slobbish, lumpy in all the wrong places, and like a Wal-Mart shopper horror story.”

November 10, 2011 “I dealt with my depression and made internal steps toward exorcising my demons of broken/wounded relationships.”

January 31, 2012 “One of the things I dread the most is walking into a room full of people I don’t know, or don’t know very well. It is an uncomfortable feeling to enter such a room with the knowledge that socializing is to be expected…I sat still by myself, and self-pity washed over me. Who was I kidding? I am not that kind of person that people want to know. I sat, with a fake smile plastered on my face, watching tables of women interacting with each other, desperately wishing the program would start so my aloneness wouldn’t matter. I wished that someone would notice, would care, would open the door.”

February 7, 2012 “I am in a low mood, a funk, a dark and gloomy pit. A weight has settled upon my shoulders and I feel helpless to remove it. I am cold and so tired. I find myself waging war against my own body and mind far too often of late. I sabotage my efforts to make good choices, to exercise, to focus on truth. Sometimes I don’t even care.”

July 7, 2012 “This whole journey of weight loss and improving my health & fitness seemed to be a waste of time and effort. I felt like a failure. I felt like giving up, because I was never going to succeed anyway. I was resigned to being flabby and fat and out of shape, to gaining weight and wearing larger clothing. I felt ignored and insignificant, useless and doomed. I was tired, energy-less, devoid of motivation, and wounded…an emotional wreck. I wanted to sleep for days. I wanted to bawl until my eyes ran dry. I wanted to drown my sorrows in Diet Coke, chips, ice cream, iced capps, and chocolate. And I kind of did to a small degree.”

December 5, 2012 “I had a hysterectomy on November 27, and now I am recovering at home for 6 weeks. It’s a little surreal to consider this big change in my life! It’s happened so quickly, and it was an option I never thought would be available to me.”

December 30, 2012 “My goals for 2013…lose the 15 pounds or so that I have put back on in the last few months”

February 3, 2013 “At least I can recognize that I am stumbling along a rough patch right now, teetering on the edge of depression. I just don’t like feeling this way, like I’m out of control emotionally.”

May 1, 2013 “My weight has now risen to more than 170 pounds. I haven’t seen that number for a while, and I’m not happy about seeing it now.”

May 23, 2013 “Today was not the day I had hoped it would be. Instead of going for a morning run, I woke up with a headache and fatigue pressing in on me from every direction. I feel like I am wallowing the muck, stuck there and not all that disappointed about it. But I really am not happy with it. I am frustrated by my failures, disgusted by my self-indulgence, and desperate for change. The problem is me and my willingness to make the necessary sacrifices to get the results I desire. Today I feel as if I am at the end of the ‘food/weight issue’ rope!”

September 30, 2013 “I have a trainer. That sounds strange coming out of my mouth, but I am surprised to find I like the sound of it.”

November 1, 2013 “I had measurement day on Wednesday. After a month, I’ve lost 4 pounds, 4 inches, and 2.6% body fat.”

April 3, 2014 “I am blown away by how different a person I am today as compared to a year ago. Who would have thought that I would love working out and lifting weights! Honestly, I am looking forward to the powerlifting event much more than the marathon. This past Monday I squatted a PR 160 pounds!”

May 21, 2014 “I saw a chiropractor today for the first time in years. When it comes to chiropractors, I tend to be skeptical and jaded; however, I liked Dr. Ben!”

June 19, 2014 “I’ve also missed being the sort of person who randomly, spontaneously encourages and blesses others. That is a part of me that shriveled up years ago when I was depressed and just trying to protect myself from hurtful relatives and a broken friendship. I’ve discovered glimpses of that old me over the past couple of years, but that person is still tentative and unsure. But I feel change on the wind and it smells like fresh rain on parched soil.”

August 14, 2014 “Positive thinking. Believing in myself. Familiar themes that have been re-playing in my life over these past days, weeks, months, even years! It’s a constant struggle, a cha-cha of dance steps back and forth, feeling confident and doubting, often at the same time. having someone believe in you is often all it takes to set you on the right path. I know this to be true from my own experiences, and yet, I still have frequent bouts of amnesia, where I forget these life lessons and wallow in self-doubt.”

September 28, 2014 “Last week I celebrated my 1 year anniversary of training with Michael at Progressive Fitness. I gave Michael a thank you card that said: ‘No thank you could ever be big enough to express my gratitude for the past year! I am so glad that I am not the same person I was a year ago. Thank you for having Kane help with your plumbing which got this whole thing started. Thank you for being the type of trainer who can push & adapt, challenge & encourage, and still be someone I am glad to call a friend. Thanks for asking me if I’d be interested in powerlifting! You might have created a little monster, but I’m glad you did. It has been an amazing year!'”

October 5, 2014 “As much as I am not happy about it, I have decided to not run the marathon, which is exactly one week from today. I am crushed and frustrated. I am raining on the inside. Even though I know this is the right decision, it still stings and sucks.”

There is always so much more that could be shared, but I am out of time.


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