Down But Not Out

I really should know better, do better, be better. I should be, and that is why I am frustrated and disappointed with myself today. The kicker? I knew I would feel this way, but I kept to my wayward path. So what did I do? I had crap for lunch. I had more crap for lunch than I typically have on any day other than on Saturday, my cheat day. But it wasn’t like I had an overly large amount of food. Nope. It really wasn’t a lot in terms of quantity, but it was sure a lot in terms of less than stellar quality!

Today would normally be a day where I consume a lower amount of carbs, roughly 100 grams over the course of the day. Ideally those would be complex carbs, good carbs. Oh, Angela! At lunch today I consumed 123 grams of carbs, and there was nothing complex about any of them. I ate a BELT breakfast sandwich (sausage, egg, cheese, lettuce, tomato on a bagel), a hash brown, and a handful of birthday cake Timbits. I can’t even say that the food was especially appetizing, because it was mediocre at best. Except for the Timbits! Birthday cake Timbits are amazing and addictive. While I savoured the Timbits, the rest was basically flavourless and disappointing.

You know what is really disappointing? I had brought a healthier lunch to work with me, but I chose to leave it untouched. This has been an all too common occurrence of late, and I don’t like it but I struggle to get back on track in this area. My will power and discipline can be great at home or when I am out and about, but my workplace has become the one place where my will power can’t be found. I can’t really say that the food at work is too appealing to resist (except for those Timbits maybe!), because the truth is that I am not the least bit tempted by most of what we sell. I can’t even blame it all on a lack of preparation, because I have brought a lunch from home more often than not over the past year and a bit. Maybe I’m just bored with the same old, same old, and there is likely a lot of truth in that statement.

I am about five pounds heavier today than I was in the summer. I remind myself quite often that this is not the end of the world. My clothes still fit. I still use the same notch on my belt. My current weight is quite reasonable; I just don’t like it very much. I am not stressing out over it, but it streaks across my mind a fair bit. I might very much like to drop a weight class for my next competition(s), and that gap seems so much larger at my current weight. I know that the world won’t end if I don’t drop a weight class, but I’m competitive and there are records that could be attainable at the lower weight. It’s not everything, I know it. I am okay. I will be okay.

<sigh>

Regardless of what weight class I will end up falling into, ultimately I want to be healthy, to make better choices most of the time. My husband would like to think that I am super-disciplined. He’s great at coming up with excuses for why he can’t be as disciplined as I am. He must think this is easy, but the truth is that it is not. Some of it does come easily to me. I can have gelato in my freezer without going crazy with it. I can have 4, 5, even 6 bars of dark chocolate on top of the fridge and go weeks between nibbles. I used to have 3, 4, or 5 Diet Cokes a day, but I can’t even remember the last time I had one. I used to have 2 or 3 Iced Capps a day, and I haven’t had one since early August. I went 30 days without sugars or flours. Yes, I have discipline and will power…sometimes. Not always. So today I am a little frustrated with myself. Tomorrow I will pick myself up and do lots of squats and get back on track.

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